Something has been weighing on me the past few days and I am not sure how to explain without sounding nostalgic or old, but I will try.
When I was in high school I was unique. Some would go as far as to say I was rather odd. However I often stood out. Academically, I was middle of the road but was offered many unique opportunities that many small town, American kids (in public school) don’t receive. I took classes with upper class men (yep I was the dorky sophomore in the senior lit class). I was allowed to take the one and only film class ever offered at my high school. I was the lead in the musical South Pacific. Also, when I was 16 I was awarded the opportunity to live in Brazil for one year as an exchange student. So, high school was a crazy, mixed up time that I look back on both with awe (did I really do those things? ) and bitterness (why the hell did we all act the way we did?)
I suppose this is normal.
That being said, I refuse to believe that high school was the high point in my success and adventure. I refuse to be one of those people that look back on high school as their glory days, the days when they had their whole life ahead of them and living in the moment was all that mattered. That is one of the reasons why I left my job, got married, went back to school and generally revamped my whole life this year. I refuse to accept that I am done psychologically maturing. I have full intention of making my late twenties and early thirties the time for getting a strong hold on my identity and my happiness.
So, why am I bringing this up? Well, being in this play has been a tough kick in the ass. When I auditioned I remembered my high school and early college days when I could sing, dance, act and was well...one of the best? Things were sharply brought into focus when I am the slowest and most awkward of the group. Grrrrr...
I am practicing, studying and every free moment has been devoted to this play but well...things “ain’t what they used to be!” It is frustrating to revisit something that I used to be really good at only to realize either maybe I was never as good as I thought OR my body and abilities have changed drastically in five... (wow, actually seven) years. This is probably the moment when I realize I am no longer twenty. Yet, to carry the idea that I was really, really good at something and then to be....not....is tough.
I know, what a downer! I am really trying to think positively and not be discouraged. What I need is a friend from my early days to tell me that I was awesome then and I am awesome now but unfortunately my oldest and dearest friend lives in the UK and I am sure she is dealing with her own insecurities of adulthood (love you!)
Maybe I am not the Katherine Hepburn I thought I was...maybe I am not even Alicia Silverstone (the only not so great actress I could think of, I am sure there are worse) but I have to be truly good at something? There has to be something that I am really, really good at? Not I absolutely suck at life but there has to be something that I am really, really fantastic at? Or do most people just go through life being mediocre at a lot of things? Maybe high school was the time for me to stand out and now I must simply take my spot among the thousands of people that write blogs no one reads, get degrees they never use and to start projects with no intention of finishing. I can’t accept that but maybe I am staring at a life lesson that I have to face.
I won’t give up and I plan to practice, practice, practice my dance moves for the show but to realize that I am perhaps not that unique is unnerving. Then again, maybe I am just beating myself up for dealing with something that is not coming as naturally as I thought it would.
All I know is I have no intention of quitting. If anything I should take this opportunity as a chance to prove to myself that I am simply, not half bad.
Sorry, I don’t normally rant but this seems like a pretty big deal. I am trying so hard to figure out who I am and what makes me happy and this seems like a break through. Who knows. If anyone has thoughts I would love to read them. However if you didn't read this and are looking for pictures I have included one I took from my father's porch, wish I was there now. Thanks for looking. Love, Ms. Kate.
